I don't know where to start. Like most men whose wife has been diagnosed with cancer, I refused to believe it was true. Sure, I knew it was real. I trust science, not mythology. But my mind is wired to deny things that are difficult to comprehend.
Let me start by saying I am very emotional for a man. I cry during movies, especially stuff where guys don't know their dads or men lose their wives or children. Good lord, don't start me on losing a child. I'm numb to the real world, but if a kid dies in a movie, I'm devastated. I have problems.
We have two children. Garrison is almost 3 and Brooks is 8 weeks. When my wife Susan was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago, it wasn't like it was a real thing. Tears flowed, but cancer is beatable, right? They took out her sigmoid colon, her uterus and her ovaries. Nobody needs those things to live, but when they get taken out, there is a reason. Never a good one. She is working on recovering from surgery, then she'll deal with chemo and everything else. She's a lot tougher than me.
I don't know where I am going with this blog but maybe I can share my feelings and maybe other people will read it and offer advice, maybe others will relate. I don't know. I just need to get my feelings down and this is better than Facebook.
Wes, I have friends who have experienced the death of a child - so you would think that might be my worst nightmare. Maybe I'm just naive, but it's not. Since I was pregnant with Madeleine 7 years ago it's always been that my kids would lose me or Paul.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how scared you both must be, but how brave you must be and act for each other and G.
I interned at the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and one of the biggest things was stressing to Caregivers to Tell people how they can help. Everyone wants to help just tell them what you need (groceries, laundry, food, take kids for a walk).
xoxoxo
Wes,
ReplyDeleteBelieve it or not, you and I have a lot in common. If I did not do what I currently do for a living, I'd probably be one of those detectives who specialize in aggressively hunting down, and bringing to justice, sickos who harm children. Seriously. I have some of those same reactions in movies... especially those where a Dad (or any family member, actually) is lost (because I lost mine to cancer at age 50) or where anyone hurts kids. Anyway, what you guys are going through is horrible and beyond unfair. Jess and I are not blood but I do believe that we are all part of a broader tribe of souls who are here to help and look out for each other. We are 3 doors down and ALWAYS available and there for you guys. Taking the time to stop and reflect on what YOU are really feeling/experiencing, talking with others about it and getting your feelings out is an incredibly courageous and enlightened right step. You can't control the universe and the course of some things but what you do have control over is navigating what is going on for yourself the right way so you can continue to be a strong, grounded, "real" and present partner/friend/daddy for those who need you now and will continue to need you. That’s what real warriors do. That is courageous and clearly you are on the right path. Kudos! Men in previous generations (and even our current one) have not always chosen that same path. They kept "strong" and "silent" (because their dads and grandpa's before them told them that was what you do) but then, they fell short and weren't able to be emotionally present, compassionate and available in the other ways that are critical for their partners, children, extended families and for their own soul's growth, actually. You are clearly a good dad and husband. Let's you and I step out for dinner one night in the next week or so. I will call you. ~Bruce